Were dandelions tall as
trees
would we follow the
meadowlark
into such a yellow
forest
where flowers tower
overhead
and the only thing we
hear
is the clamorous buzz of
bees?
β
This morning while I was outside with my students observing nature so we could write haiku, we saw a meadowlark land near some dandelions and walk into what could only be described as a forest since most of the stems rose well above the bird’s head. I listed it as one of my observations.
Later, looking over my list, I wanted to write a poem that was basically just a sentence and then play with different ways of breaking the lines. I tried several permutations but settled on something resembling “The Red Wheelbarrow” by William Carlos Williams, which I had just read in Mary Oliver’s A Poetry Handbook.
Two other versions:
Were dandelions tall as trees
would we follow the meadowlark
into such a yellow forest
where flowers tower overhead
and the only thing we hear
is the clamorous buzz of bees?
β
Were dandelions tall as trees, would we follow the meadowlark into such a yellow forest where flowers tower overhead and the only thing we hear is the clamorous buzz of bees?
James Brush is a teacher and writer who lives in Austin, TX. He tries to get outside as much as possible.
Glad you enjoyed the tanka exercise.
I hope you had fun with haiku too, and didn’t get waylaid by the urban myth of 575? π
all my best,
Alan
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html
Thanks, Alan. It didn’t come out as a tanka, but I do intend to give it a ago. I don’t think I’ve written one before.
I don’t let 5-7-5 have the last say, but I do like working with the constraint, although, I do a lot of 3-5-3’s.
Thanks for your comment.
I like this, but I wonder if it would be stronger without “clamorous”?
Thanks, Dave, I appreciate your feedback. It’s funny you saw that because I wonder that too. I went back and forth between “clamorous” and “quiet.” I’m curious to know how “quiet” works for you there.
Oh, I think “clamorous” is much more interesting. I’m just not sure there wants to be a word there at all — it seems too much, and throws the rhythm off. But that’s just my ear; your mileage may vary.
Thanks for clarifying, Dave. It’s fascinating to think about how others might read my writing. Thanks again for your comment. I really do appreciate the honest and helpful feedback.
James,
Well done!
Pamela
Thanks, Pamela.
Dave has a good point, as a page poem I’d agree, but if this becomes a sound poem I’d say leave it in. π
Alan
With Words
Alan, Thanks for weighing in again. As I mentioned in responding to Dave, I went back and forth with clamorous and quiet. I think I posted it with clamorous when I started reading it aloud. I’m still not sure which I like more, though. Thanks again.
There’s nothing wrong with constraints re haiku and tanka, but it’s often misconstrued as their ‘form’. The form isn’t the number of the syllables, it goes deeper than that.
Remember to keep the language plain and normal, natural syntax with no inversions. It’s always good to have a good plain prose account jotted down to use as original notes before things get too poetyfried. π
all my best,
Alan
Thanks, Alan. I love your haiku site, by the way, and will probably share it with my students.
I hope your students enjoy the haiku on With Words. Please do let me know if they have any particular favourites. π
Alan
http://www.withwords.org.uk
Nicely done, James. I like the first permutation, broken up in pairs of lines with the 2nd line being only 1 word. It puts a special emphasis on that single word. Don’t know if that’s what you were going for, but that works well for my way of reading it (compared to the other versions you present). Also, I would definitely keep “clamorous” for the bees. All of the other descriptions have a big feel to them (“tower” “forest” “tall as trees”), so I don’t think “quiet” would work…. unless you were trying to point out a juxtaposition.
Anyway, I like the poem, and it gives me a feeling of watching the scene unfold while laying on my belly in the midst of this forest of flowers… definitely at the eye level of the bird.
Thanks for your careful reading and helpful feedback, Heather. That sense of bigness is what led to clamorous, I think.
I agree with Alan about form constraints based on numbers.
Also, he was right in his sound vs. page poem idea…
Thanks, mark. The sound vs page (or screen) is an interesting issue I should probably think about more.
I love the top version — how it looks on the page, each second line composed of a single word. It’s a strategy that slows the poem down into a musing. Simplicity. I love all the “w” sounds. Almost like a fairy tale — I think of Thumbelina, her miniature size. In such a world scaled differently, flowers and bees can be dangerous…
Thanks, Therese. It’s nice to hear it had that effect of slowing down for you. I like the idea of slowing the idea down, which I think makes the scale thing more interesting.
I like the first one, how the line breaks slow you down into a patterned walking.
but, I love the faster lewis-carroll/roald dahlness of the second version — it seems more fantastical somehow. I expect to see a rabbit rush by, checking his watch.
I also like clamorous — the way it bounces off is & buzz & bees.
how did your students like poetry-writing? I always get such a kick out of our 3rd graders when they figure out they can write poems, too.
Most of them tend to take to it eventually. They’re warming to haiku, but I have a few holdouts who don’t like it because it doesn’t rhyme.
It’s interesting that you mention the way the 2 versions read. I felt unfinished the second way (maybe I was expecting that rabbit) but the first way it does. Thanks for your input.
“Most of them tend to take to it eventually. Theyre warming to haiku, but I have a few holdouts who dont like it because it doesnt rhyme.”
Yes, it’s surprising how we hold onto rhyme even though we can produce musicality in our writing in so many other ways. π
hi James I like your one sentence poem, the top version. And I like ‘clamorous’ like makes the poem reverberate.
Thanks, Irene.
I went to a meeting of a local writer’s group and was asked “what form are you following?” and “why don’t you use punctuation?” and left scratching my head in amazement. The writers there wrote good poetry, but it was all done strictly to form and held to rhyme like patterns…
I hope it wasn’t as grim as it sounded. π
No, not really. The first poem I shared shocked them, I think. From a language and overall feeling perspective. Understand, nearly everyone else was significantly older than I am and writing about prosaic things in life. Sunsets, sunrise, things of that nature. Here I come along and share something about inner turmoil and using ‘bad words’ and all that.
I guess it was sort of life being slapped with a cold fish…or something equally uncomfortable for them.
Sometime reading groups can be very conservative.
My fantastic residential course workshoppers are all ages with some of them in their late 80s yet I felt I had to hold them back as some of the renga verses were getting raunchy and vampire dominated.
But the problem with some local groups is they don’t invite enough outside guests. I hope you gave them food for thought.
There’s nothing wrong with nature images, but it’s unfair not to include all aspects of natural history, and perhaps our own violent destruction of the environment.
After all, the 18th and 19th Century poets covered enough of the niceties, and thank goodness for poets like Ted Hughes that more current (for its time) vivacity to ‘nature’ poetry.
Alan